Bleak Birthdays

In less than two weeks time, I’ll would be taking my Individual Physical Proficiency Test (IPPT) at Maju Army Camp. So yes, that means my birthday is lurking around the corner.

Like Pavlov's dogs, I've been indoctrinated to view my birthday as some sort of deadline, training like a monkey for months before September, just for the sake of some petty cash.


I've digressed.

IPPT aside, birthdays are occasions I scarcely look forward to. You might ask, "What about the presents one receive?"

Surely, everyone loves receiving presents, right?
WRONG.

I don't.*

Imagine the following scenario...
It’s your birthday. Friends and families are seated round the table. After extinguishing the bonfire created by the candles on your birthday cake, you reach excitedly for the intricately wrapped present.

The crowd eggs you and you rip it open to find:
A deluxe set of 101 scented candles, intricately crafted by Scandinavian unicorns and infused with the essence of thousand year old Icelandic lilies.

No offense to scented candles fans.

Would you go:

1) Hysterical
"OMFG. What were you all thinking? Other than increasing my risk of a non-existent asthma, the only use I have for it is to throw them in a barbecue pit and hope it works as a fire starter!"

or

2) Hysterically... grateful.
"OMG. I absolutely love these candles to bits! Ever since I was born, I always dreamt of scented candles made from the tears of unicorn and blood of extinct flowers! Thank you so much. The next time I accidentally burn down my house, I will certainly think of you guys!"


You get my drift.

There is no way you can wiggle out of “bad gift” situation, other than feigning your enthusiasm and gratitude. Admittedly, people may see through your pretense when you start kissing and washing the feet of your givers with your tears of gratitude (or sorrow).

But that is not true, you would argue. People who know you well enough will give gifts that are appropriate, no? Personally, receiving gifts that are “near-misses” are as tragic as receiving exquisite scented candles.

Examples:

Observation - Kelvin loves drinking wine.
Decision - Let's give Kelvin a bottle of award-winning Californian chardonnay.
My response - Chardonnay aged in American oak barrels??? Nooooo...

Observation - Kelvin likes using expensive looking notebooks.
Decision - Let's just give him a limited edition Moleskine notebook which would cost an arm and leg.

My response - I would much prefer a notebook which actually runs on power.

Observation - Kelvin likes playing the piano.
Decision - Let's just give him a piano!
My response - Sadly, this has not happened so far. *hint hint*
Okay, fine.
Maybe it’s just me getting more picky about my presents.

What about gifts vouchers? Surely, that circumvents the problem by giving the receiver a full liberty of picking his/her ideal gift.

You might have given me Kinokuniya book voucher, but what if the book I want is sold only in Borders? Ah... Would you have given me Borders vouchers? Now, we know what happened to those recently.

In the end, cash is king. Ang pows (or red packets) are ultimate gifts with no restriction.

And this brings everything to a full circle at the end of the year. The amount that I received would be recycled, as I would be obliged to give the same amount to others. In effect, there is no nett return.

Utilitarian views aside.
I still recognize the emotional and social experience of presents. Rather than be a killjoy pouting at every gift received or given, I shamelessly subscribed to the act of parading a Want List.

(Yes, you've finally reached to the crux of this long post.)

1) Professional looking pencil case
2) Formal but not so formal-looking document bag
3) Cool looking sports watch
4) Juliusspital “Wuerzburger Abtsleite“ TRAMINER Spaetlese 2005
5) Deepest Blue - Late September CD
6) Piano, the real deal.



*I don't mean what I say. Trust me, I still enjoy receiving gifts. If you plan to buy something for me, I would not stop you. Seriously.